Exposing yourself to someone or to the world is scary and can put you in a position to be vulnerable. As human beings we are taught to avoid pain and seek pleasure. Being vulnerable can feel painful and manifest itself through anxiety, stress, overthinking or paralyzing you all together. Vulnerability is something most people struggle with on a daily basis in relationships, at work, having difficult conversations and even showing up for yourself.
There are several reasons to lean into vulnerability and can take a lot of practice to fully embrace it over and over again. I for one am guilty of not leaning into vulnerability in my adulthood because it was uncomfortable, and I didn't know HOW. Becoming a mother was one of the reasons I was forced to discover vulnerability. I had a LOT of emotional damage surface when I became a mother and I had to confront most of it, in therapy, paired with a lot of difficult, vulnerable moments.
Some of the greatest lessons of vulnerability I learned was through research professor Brene Brown’s video, the power of vulnerability. She explains, after interviewing hundreds of people, when asking people about sharing a story on love, the participants didn’t talk about being loved, they talked about heartache and how painful it was. When asked about connection, they talked about feeling disconnection, and when asked about belonging, they talked about times they felt a lack of belonging.
The moments that caused them pain is what came to mind when asked about love, connection, and belonging. Heartache, disconnection, and lack of belonging all have one thing in common. Wanting to feel a deep sense of connection and acceptance.
Through these same conversations, she learned the participants talking about heartache, disconnection, lack of belonging were rooted in shame and fear. That most people are telling themselves a story in their mind, their internal dialogue, saying, I am not good enough, I am not pretty enough, I am not successful enough, I am not good enough, I am not ___________ enough (fill in the blank).
Not all participants focused their experience on the painful moments. The participants who were able to break through that “I am not _____ enough” belief were ones who had a sense of worthiness. They had a strong sense of love and belonging. They believed they were worthy of the very thing they wanted. The commonality between these believers was that they had courage and compassion.
Having the courage to be their authentic selves and to be compassionate to themselves first, before anyone else. Being completely authentic and letting go of who you think you should be in order to be who they are.
Brene Brown explains that most people numb vulnerability. Vulnerability is the core of shame, fear, and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears it’s also the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love.
Meaning, when you numb your bad emotions, you automatically numb all emotions. You cannot selectively numb grief, shame, fear, disappointment, without numbing joy, gratitude, and happiness. When you try to numb your emotions, you become miserable looking for purpose and meaning.
It’s not easy to hold space for negative emotions, especially when we are deeply affected at our core. Here are three keys Brene Brown discusses on how you can lean into vulnerability, along with my explanation on what that can look like addressing some challenges along the way.
Love with your whole heart even if there’s no guarantee
Loving should be about giving someone everything you are willing and able to give. You have to make peace with the risk of loss and know that you deserve to be loved. You can’t control nor predict what the outcome will be for each person who enters or exits your life. You have to let go, trust your intuition, and learn the lessons each relationship, good or bad, has taught you. If love or relationships are challenging for you, it can be helpful to identify what the cycles are that keep showing up, think about ways you were loved growing up (good or bad), and reflect on if your needs and wants from a relationship are in alignment with people you choose to love.
Practice gratitude and lean into joy
Gratitude helps you realize what you have. It allows you to see the good even if you’re in the midst of the bad, and it can become more difficult to complain or feel stuck in your own life. Gratitude strengthens relationships, improves health, reduces stress and has the ability to make you happier. As you practice gratitude, lean in the joy life has to offer you. Stay present and in the moment. If practicing gratitude doesn’t feel good to you, you can practice focusing on your own actions and reactions and reflect if there are areas you can take responsibility for and change for the better. Finding one positive thing about a person, experience or day even if it was bad (This is not in relation to a traumatic or harmful experience).
Believe that you’re enough
You have to love yourself first and learn to make yourself a priority. It’s not about comparing yourself to others, comparing yourself to your past self, living up to someone’s expectations or expectations of who you think you should be. It’s about knowing YOU ARE ENOUGH being EXACTLY who and where you are, even if you aren’t where you want to be in life just yet. Talk kindly to yourself, be compassionate when making mistakes and take control of the negative thoughts you tell yourself. Learn about your false beliefs, the root cause of your limiting beliefs and identifying why it’s so challenging to believe that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.
Know that you are deserving
You are deserving of what you want and need in life. You deserve to treat yourself with love and kindness and be treated with love and kindness. You deserve to have happiness and fulfillment in every area of life. You deserve to explore what feels right for you and what doesn’t. If you have challenges with getting what you deserve you can explore if YOU are setting appropriate boundaries in place and if you are asking others for what you need and if not, why? If you aren’t getting what you deserve out of life you could have challenges with breaking bad habits, breaking unhealthy cycles or having difficulty engaging in a healthy routine that feels good to you.
Loving with your all, practicing gratitude, believing you’re enough and knowing you are deserving can be key to living a happy and healthy life. If you have challenges in one or some of these areas, it could require more internal reflection. You can reflect by journaling, going to therapy, researching these topics to see what comes up for you and or engage in safe conversations with loved ones regarding these topics.
Click the link to see the full Brene Brown video on THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY.